So tonight I saw the Last Comic Standing finalists perform at the Bass Hall. Damn they were funny. Iliza Shlesinger Marcus Jeff Dye Jim Tavare Louis Ramey Were the comedians there. Iliza won, so she was the last comic to perform tonight. Louis was first up. Damn he was funny. He also did the MCing [Continue]
Q: Why will Ho Chi Minh vote for Barack Obama? A: Because Ho Chi Minh is dead. Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself? A. Because it would be racist. roflmao
Dallas ATC: “Tower to Saudi Air 911–You are cleared to land southbound on runway 9.” Saudi Air: “Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9S – Allah be Praised !!” Dallas ATC “Tower to Iran Air 711–You are cleared to land northbound on runway 27.” Iran Air: “Thank you Dallas ATC. [Continue]
“A man dies and goes to hell. There he discovers that he has a choice: he can go to capitalist hell or to communist hell. Naturally, he wants to compare the two, so he goes over to capitalist hell. There outside the door is the devil, who looks a bit like Ronald Reagan. “What’s it [Continue]
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. “How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind. “You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty, so they gave [Continue]
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, “Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?” “Just a minute, I have to go piss.” “That would be rude and impolite!!! What about [Continue]
Theresa Heinz-kerry tries to strangle First Lady Laura Bush.
President Bush and john kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had [Continue]
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. [Continue]
This is an old comic, but it still cracks me up every time I read it: lol
Teacher: In English, two negatives make a positive. In Russian, two negatives is still negative. But there’s no language in which two positives make a negative. Student: Yeah, right.
This is a joke. I certainly appears that Landover Baptist is a fake church. But still, kinda funny. Kids! Accept Jesus Christ as Your Lord and Savior and Get a Free PlayStation 2! This offer is for children and teenagers only! It may not be used in conjunction with any other Landover Baptist salvation offer. [Continue]
Q. How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. There’s nothing funny about feminism.
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost… There are 10 types of people in the world, those that know binary, and those that don’t.
Dan Rather, Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, “I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last [Continue]
Officer: “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg: “No, but I know EXACTLY where I was”
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding… Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one. Officer: Don’t have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago [Continue]
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, and then, realizing her mistake, she says, “Well, that’s great, just great. Some asshole’s got my pen.”
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says: “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asks: “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says: “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” [Continue]